Life revision

Life changes. Definitely some life changes going on here.

A couple of weeks ago Jamon came at me with a series of questions and statements. They were enlightening and poignant questions that really struck home and caused a good amount of prayer, discernment and change.

It started with "Man, Jess, you used to be so open, happy and kind. What's happening? You seem so much more unhappy, un open and not as nice as you used to be." and "Is your spiritual life okay? You seem pretty off." Of course I immediately got defensive. Who wouldn't? But I calmed down and realized he's right. I used to be a pretty nice girl. I had friends and was open to pretty much anyone and everyone. I used to be happy... maybe joyful is the better word. Yep, joyful. Now I have happy moments, joyful moments, but nothing like I used to be. And yep, I used to be quite a bit more charitable. I was much less cynical of people. So what happened?!

Along the way I got burnt out. Burnt out of people not being honest, burnt out of people judging, burnt out on hypocrisy. It has been a slippery slope of writing people off, passing judgments that are unnecessary and allowing others comments about me or actions towards me to affect me too deeply. These little things have inevitably, having gone unchecked, led me to a place of unhappiness and victimization. This is not to say that I'm perfect. Obviously not, let's go back to the original line of questioning. Judgey Jess. Just because I feel judged or maligned  I do not have the freedom to judge people back. Duh. Hypocrisy at it's finest. So I'm working on not ruling out people because I assume they're ridiculous. I don't know them, they certainly don't know me. I still haven't received a hello from probably half of this weird little town, and I haven't given a hello either. I've lived in this town as a victim of cliques and a holier than though mentality. I'm not going to allow myself to feel like a victim anymore. I'm going to enjoy the blessings that God has given me. The people that I do enjoy in this town (yes, there are definitely some great people here) and then not worry about the rest. I won't assume. I will be open. I can know and believe that no one here is perfect, and although I feel that many project to be, I'm sure everyone has their cross. Who am I to judge?

*Side note* Although I will make an effort to embrace and not to judge... I so desperately wish that I lived in a normal town, like Austin, or Naples, or somewhere with some diversity. All in Gods time and will right?! In the mean time I've got to remind myself that He has us here for a reason and I've got to strive to be thankful for it.

As far as spirituality goes, I realized I wasn't doing a very good job at fulfilling my vocation. Vocation #1 - Wife, Vocation #2 - Mom... everything else is pretty extra. Instead I will filling my time with #1 admin assistant , #2 CrossFit Coach, #3 Mom, #4 Wife. No wonder I was not in a place of joy or peace. I was all out of order. I was definitely not a good mom. every moment I was home I was stressed because I was miserable for many reasons at #1. #2 was a nice escape and #3 and #4 suffered. So I quit #1. SWEET FREEDOM!!!!! Now I'm nervous as heck that #1 will fall apart without me. But little reality check, I probably wasn't as awesome as I thought. :) I'm sure everything will move along just fine. Can I tell you how nice it is to be home with my boys. It is AWESOME. It's 11:00 now and they are both down for their morning naps. When they wake up it'll be lunch time and then we're heading to the children's museum... something I've wanted to do for 5 months since it opened. I'm hugging and kissing and reading stories and baking cookies and on and on. My boys are happy. Their mommy is happy and I feel like I finally got something back in it's right place. Jamon is happy since now he actually gets a cooked meal at night. The joy of being home. I still have a job.. two jobs actually. I'm still coaching a Cross Training Class here in Ave, and I'm also a Coach at a CrossFit gym in Naples. Fitness is something I'm passionate about, and I enjoy helping others realize and achieve their fitness goals. I definitely hink that this little outside job is quite the blessing. The boys get the spend extra time with their dad and I get to do something that helps make me a better person. Like Jamon always says "Fitness is the gift that keeps on giving." When I'm healthy I'm a better wife, mom, friend, employee.

Basically, that's about it. Down one job, more time with my family, less cynicism on my end. Prayer, prayer, prayer. I finally feel like maybe I'm making strides to be who God desires me to be. To be in a place that is fulfilling, peaceful and joyful (note, I didn't say easy... I know easy doesn't usually happen. :) )

I hear the boys stirring. Time to start making some pizza - Corban's lunchtime request.

Peace.

Just like I pictured

I will make no apologies for being the worlds worst blogger. (although rest assured, I do have heaping piles of guilt)

Now to pretend like I haven't just NOT blogged for the past 10 months or whatever.
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Today was one of those awesome days when life was just like you always pictured it would be. Smiles, breezes, and love.

All was right in the world. Corban and Blaise were pure joy. I'm serious, they did not have one meltdown, one screaming fit. They literally danced and sang all day. They played by themselves. They helped me cook and clean. They danced with their daddy and me. I'm totally cheesing as I think about it. In the evening - after we napped, we all sat out on the back lanai and enjoyed the perfect weather and the breeze. They boys colored and golfed. My toes are literally curling at the sheer perfection this day was to me. Then we ate an awesome dinner. Zucchini Lasagna. Anyone having a baby anytime soon... this is what you're getting from me. It was SO GOOD.

This morning Corban did not wake up until 6:20 this morning! When 4:00am is his usually rise and shine time the extra 2 hours was glorious. When he did wake up he just crawled into our bed and started singing some song about apple seeds. Cute. He and I then got out of bed to open his Easter basket so daddy could sleep a couple more hours.  Blaise woke up around 6:45 and we all had a mommy/ baby boy party. We sang, we danced, we said our prayers and ate breakfast. Carrot Cake for all. Milk for the boys and coffee for me. Awesome mom award please. the day continued on in this awesome fashion. I won't bore you with the details. Just know that my heart is soaring. I am BLESSED and I am THANKFUL.

HAPPY EASTER 2012!!!!!

Moving right along. Here are some things of worth:

*Blaise turns ONE, *Sigh - gasp* next week. HOW did this happen? Oh my word, here come the tears. I am SO emotional. That kid is totes awesome. He is walking up a storm. He smiles ALL the time. He is also learning sign language, or rather, we are learning his sign language. Blaise is an awesome little brother. my heart explodes with love for this little dude,

*Corban is almost 2.5. This little spark is wild. He is non stop running, shooting hoops, talking, kissing, singing. He can go potty on the big boy potty (insert applause here) (Oh, and all applause shall be directed at the Montessori school that taught him.) He can loud and proud sing his ABC's and count 1,2,5,10. He will always ask for "5 mo minutes." And if you ever ask him the time for anything his answer will always be 2:30. His favorite food is pizza. He asks for it everyday. Nice try bucko. He loves shooting hoops and playing with his friends. We have conversations about Jesus, school, friends, food... anything. I LOVE this guy.

*Jamon and I have both received our CrossFit Level 1 certification. Very exciting. I've been coaching and programming a cross training class here in Ave for the past almost 8 months and it was nice to be able to kick it up a notch with some more knowledge. I love this stuff. Ask me about it... not to get too over the top... but Crossfit is quite definitely for everyone.

*J and I have been blessed to have quite a few "get-aways" lately. The past month the two of us have traveled to Uniontown, PA for 8 days for the USCAA basketball tournament. We finished 3rd. Orlando for a weekend of CrossFit training, and then New Orleans with my brother and sis-in-law for the Final 4. In two weeks were heading to West Palm Beach with some friends for CrossFit regionals, where Jamon is COMPETING. Stud. I'm married to a total stud. 

I'm sure there is more. Lots more. But these are all the tasty morsels you get for now. Jamon just got home from workout #2 and I'm going to spend some quality time with the huz. Carrot cake again please.

Please don't judge my poor writing skills, bad grammar, etc...

I'm just trying to put my heart out there and never did understand sentence structure or what all the different punctuation things were for. I think I may over use commas.

Loving life folks. Thank you Jesus for our life.

Deep, real deep.

True story... I now having mom hips, birthing hips, call 'em what you want. These old hipsters have not gone back down to my normal size. Oh well. Whatever it takes to have these two awesome boys.

Now on to less self-centered matters.

Our God is a merciful God. He is good to me.

A couple of weeks ago I had a moment. One really long moment when I was near the depths of despair. I had just received an email from babycenter.com telling me that my 6 week old should be smiling at me and recognize me. This of course had not happened and the disclaimer at the bottom of the email telling me that all babies develop at their own pace did not ease my tension. I threw myself into a tailspin believing with everything in me that I was a horrible mother. That all of my attention was on Corban (since he DEFINITELY requires more interaction and attention) and thus Blaise was totally getting the raw end of the deal. How could he possible know who I was?! I did not spend hours looking at him and coo'ing at him like I did when Corvban was a baby. Blaise was just another person in CX's world. horrible horrible horrible. I couldn't hardly look anyone in the eye out of sheer guilt at my lack of mothering equality. Jamon took me on a date and there I felt assured enough of his unconditional love to share with him how horrible of a mother his wife was. When I was finished crying about the situation he looked at me incredulously and made it very clear that I was under attack. Spiritual warfare (c'mon, we know it's out there).  I was clinging to the lies of "the world.": "You can't have more than one ,maybe two children,if you have more how will you ever take care of them, they will not get the love they need from you, they won't be well-taken care of... they will LACK." and on and on. I totally bought in to it. Until Jamon loving assured me that Blaise was the best gift we could have ever given Corban and Corban was the best thing to happen to Blaise, as will be every child we are blessed with hereafter. They will lack nothing. They will be LOVED. True, TRue, TRUE! I was immediately relieved of the guilt I had been feeling. We said a prayer together to continue to be the parents God wants us to be and to do everything we can to make sure our family gets to heaven. AMEN. On we go with our date. Fast forward to 4am. Blaise's regularly scheduled feeding time, usually we are both groggy and just getting through a feeding. Not that night. God in His intense love gave me the moment I longed for. As I was putting him down to sleep again I laid him on my pillow instead of his bed. When I returned from getting a drink of water I laid down to look at him to talk to him and smile at him. And the moment I was near him he SMILED. BIG SMILE. the kind that makes my insides mushy as I was overcome with such joy and love. My littlest man and I shared stories and smiles from 4-5:30 am. Just the two of us. and it was AWESOME. He did know me. He knows his mom and he knows I love him. The "attack" was just that. God showed me through the smile of my sweet little baby. Blaise, even though he does not get the same attention that CX did when he was born, knows his mom and knows love. What more could I ask for?

Anyway. Just thought I'd share. Tomorrow (ha, we'll see) I've got another awesome recipe. We're talking total delish. Like I wish I could eat the whole thing, but know it must be bad for me because it tastes so good, and then realizing that I could eat the whole thing because it's SO good for me. Winner!!!

Our date night.

That smile. Oh my goodness. I love.

Sweet, sweet Corban, I want to freeze moments like this. carefree, loving life moments.

a review in pics.

One day before labor ensued. Could it have been the sparkling wine that encouraged Blaise to come 2 weeks early?

BLAISE is here!!!! My heart grows. LOVE, love, love this little man.

I love my boys and their sweet special love for each other.

Blaise can sleep everywhere. He's three weeks old here.

First official family pic! Matchy match.

LOVE.

Feet. Ahhhh. Feet. I adore baby feet. Look how small and perfect.

My sweet littlest baby.

Handsome little man. I'm amazed by him daily.

Date night (kind of) at the athletic banquet. I worked, Jamon held Blaise, but we made do. Love this man.

stop it right now. 4 weeks already.

Corbans face, my face. Thankful he loves his brother so much but sometime have to raise my eyebrows at just how hard he loves him.

enough love to go around. snuggles for all the boys,

5 weeks., SERIOUSLY. you're almost out of newborn clothes kiddo. *sob*

, 

Memorial day weekend at the beach. Please ignore my boxy hair-do... a she-mullet for sure. Someone please get me a mirror.

Corban is a beach baby for sure. He can't get enough of the sand and water.

Heading out.

garbanzo bean cookies

Hello blogosphere.

There are about a million things I should be blogging about. 1. a new baby 2. an 18 month old 3. summer work 4. Gods abundant Grace 5. awesome huz 6. etc etc etc

 and I'll get to those when I have more than a 5 minute window in which to type. 

But instead you're going to get my newest obsession in the world of desserts.  Seriously LOVE this dessert. Don't judge... It tastes JUST like Chocolate chip cookies, but stays moist longer.

Deep-Dish Cookie Pie
(High in fiber… and gluten-free!)

• 2 cans organic garbanzo beans (drained and rinsed) (500g)
• 1 cup oatmeal (next time I'm using ground Flax)
• 1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
• 3 T grapeseed oil
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp sea salt
• 1 and 1/2 cups brown sugar (I'm still trying to figure out a way to not use brown sugar... agave? Stevia etc... I'll let you know when I come up with something else)
• 1 cup organic dark chocolate chips

So easy to make!
Blend everything (except the chips) very well in a food processor. Mix in chips, and pour into an oiled pan. Cook at 350F for around 35 minutes. Let stand at least 10 minutes before removing from the pan.

Go ahead, make and enjoy.

Now signing off until I have a moment to breathe and I can pry my hands from the wine bottle (straw inserted.) Enjoy your cookies!

Jess