Monday, August 4, 2008

Too late for these shenanigans

It's late and I should most definitely be in bed... but I clearly can't sleep so here I am. This may be a post lacking stories or any "good" insight and more of me trying to get some thoughts out of my head so I can sleep.

I'll start here:

1. What am I doing?!? I was okay not doing anything, not working, not worrying about where I'll live, what I'll do, how I'll get around. And now I'm not okay not knowing the answers to most of those questions. Am I supposed to live in Austin or in Dallas? What job should I work at? I could go on and on... and the most frustrating thing is I keep asking God, pleading that He'll let me know and I'm still clueless. I fully understand "God's timing" and I'm also aware that it's only been about 2 weeks since I've been back, but it's frustrating having no idea where to even begin.

I remember looking at my spiritual director the day I was told it was time for me to go home and telling her "Honestly, this is scary, I don't even know what to do now when I walk out the door, not to mention what I'm supposed to do when I get home." A little guidance, maybe a flashing neon sign, would be good. Moses got a burning bush talking to him, Abraham audibly heard God. Can I ask for a singing telegram? I think I would get it then. In the meantime, while I wait for my telegram there is silence. So I ask you, at what point, when you're still clueless as to Gods will, do you just start making decisions and hope that they're the right ones? I've got to do something right?!

I was so sure God's Will had me in Michigan... I'm still sure of that. Where did that clarity of God's Will go? I just want to holler... TELL ME SOMETHING... anything to do. I'll do it God, seriously, anything, just tell me something!!!!!!! I'm trying to be silent, I'm trying to listen.

Ooohhh, on a different note... one of the joys of coming home was that Jamon and I were able to move our wedding date up. Now we're getting married May 30th of 2009. For those of you who are counting that's only 299 days from today (monday!) YESSSSSSS. I keep asking if we can move it up more... say around December but I don't think anyone else is buying it. Just keep your year available... we're moving this date around. HA! :)

2. Today (Monday) is Jamon's Birthday... YEA! Thank you Mom and Dad Copeland for such an amazing man. Here's my conundrum... what do you get the love of your life when you have no money to your name? Yes, of course, a cake. His favorite is Pineapple Upside down cake... but no, he asked for no cake since he'll just eat it. We're all sorts of healthy you know. ;) Okay, so cake is out, anything that costs money is out... a love letter it is. That may take some time... pages and pages. Unless of course a note that simply says "I LOVE YOU from Jessica" written on it will get the point across. I bet I can make it pretty. I'll work on that tomorrow while he's at work. Ssshhh. don't tell.

3. It's 1am now and I feel like I could go run a few miles. I wish it wasn't so dark out. I'd do that for sure.

My stomach is in knots. I'm going to get a glass of water and then try to call it a night again.

Know that I am leaning on your prayers and support. Thank you for both of them.

All my love,

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

HI Jess...for what it is worth...think about this...from my experience it is a beautiful, holy thing to ponder God's the stillness...waiting to hear His next step for you. But often, God works when you start...START...and the best way is by serving others. For in this, in giving of ourselves...we often find God's will...when the attention is off of ourselves and on others needs. So were giving your now...see where your talents can be used closer to home. FIND THE JOY in planning your vocation to marriage...and don't agonize so...does this make sense? Look for someone...something that needs you...maybe your great work with the youth, your music, your parish, the elderly...but just because you are not on a co-worker year...there are so so so many souls in need. Look around you. See Christ. You'll find Him. And in the process, you will find His Will.
God Bless you in ALL you do!