Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Life revision

Life changes. Definitely some life changes going on here.

A couple of weeks ago Jamon came at me with a series of questions and statements. They were enlightening and poignant questions that really struck home and caused a good amount of prayer, discernment and change.

It started with "Man, Jess, you used to be so open, happy and kind. What's happening? You seem so much more unhappy, un open and not as nice as you used to be." and "Is your spiritual life okay? You seem pretty off." Of course I immediately got defensive. Who wouldn't? But I calmed down and realized he's right. I used to be a pretty nice girl. I had friends and was open to pretty much anyone and everyone. I used to be happy... maybe joyful is the better word. Yep, joyful. Now I have happy moments, joyful moments, but nothing like I used to be. And yep, I used to be quite a bit more charitable. I was much less cynical of people. So what happened?!

Along the way I got burnt out. Burnt out of people not being honest, burnt out of people judging, burnt out on hypocrisy. It has been a slippery slope of writing people off, passing judgments that are unnecessary and allowing others comments about me or actions towards me to affect me too deeply. These little things have inevitably, having gone unchecked, led me to a place of unhappiness and victimization. This is not to say that I'm perfect. Obviously not, let's go back to the original line of questioning. Judgey Jess. Just because I feel judged or maligned  I do not have the freedom to judge people back. Duh. Hypocrisy at it's finest. So I'm working on not ruling out people because I assume they're ridiculous. I don't know them, they certainly don't know me. I still haven't received a hello from probably half of this weird little town, and I haven't given a hello either. I've lived in this town as a victim of cliques and a holier than though mentality. I'm not going to allow myself to feel like a victim anymore. I'm going to enjoy the blessings that God has given me. The people that I do enjoy in this town (yes, there are definitely some great people here) and then not worry about the rest. I won't assume. I will be open. I can know and believe that no one here is perfect, and although I feel that many project to be, I'm sure everyone has their cross. Who am I to judge?

*Side note* Although I will make an effort to embrace and not to judge... I so desperately wish that I lived in a normal town, like Austin, or Naples, or somewhere with some diversity. All in Gods time and will right?! In the mean time I've got to remind myself that He has us here for a reason and I've got to strive to be thankful for it.

As far as spirituality goes, I realized I wasn't doing a very good job at fulfilling my vocation. Vocation #1 - Wife, Vocation #2 - Mom... everything else is pretty extra. Instead I will filling my time with #1 admin assistant , #2 CrossFit Coach, #3 Mom, #4 Wife. No wonder I was not in a place of joy or peace. I was all out of order. I was definitely not a good mom. every moment I was home I was stressed because I was miserable for many reasons at #1. #2 was a nice escape and #3 and #4 suffered. So I quit #1. SWEET FREEDOM!!!!! Now I'm nervous as heck that #1 will fall apart without me. But little reality check, I probably wasn't as awesome as I thought. :) I'm sure everything will move along just fine. Can I tell you how nice it is to be home with my boys. It is AWESOME. It's 11:00 now and they are both down for their morning naps. When they wake up it'll be lunch time and then we're heading to the children's museum... something I've wanted to do for 5 months since it opened. I'm hugging and kissing and reading stories and baking cookies and on and on. My boys are happy. Their mommy is happy and I feel like I finally got something back in it's right place. Jamon is happy since now he actually gets a cooked meal at night. The joy of being home. I still have a job.. two jobs actually. I'm still coaching a Cross Training Class here in Ave, and I'm also a Coach at a CrossFit gym in Naples. Fitness is something I'm passionate about, and I enjoy helping others realize and achieve their fitness goals. I definitely hink that this little outside job is quite the blessing. The boys get the spend extra time with their dad and I get to do something that helps make me a better person. Like Jamon always says "Fitness is the gift that keeps on giving." When I'm healthy I'm a better wife, mom, friend, employee.

Basically, that's about it. Down one job, more time with my family, less cynicism on my end. Prayer, prayer, prayer. I finally feel like maybe I'm making strides to be who God desires me to be. To be in a place that is fulfilling, peaceful and joyful (note, I didn't say easy... I know easy doesn't usually happen. :) )

I hear the boys stirring. Time to start making some pizza - Corban's lunchtime request.


1 comment:

Jen said...

Love your honesty and openness to vulnerability. Prayed for you last weekend and will continue to do so. Very excited for you that you get to be home and spend more time with your family now! Love and miss one of my favorite women...xoxo