Saturday, January 29, 2011

Lonely Debbie Downers

Tonight is one of those posts that is a bit soul baring.

Today was gorgeous out. Seriously gorgeous. 70, sunny, slight breeze. It's the reason you live in the south. Corban and I spent most of our afternoon at the baseball fields watching a double header. Go Gyrenes!!! They played great and won all of their games. :) Then we went home, napped and headed out to "town" again. Today in Ave a lot was going on. There was the state steak cook off (lots of delicious smells coming from those grills!), Family Fun day (think tons of games, funnell cake etc.... this happens frequently in Ave) as well as a little league tournament at Northpark and of course the double headers for both Baseball and Softball for the University. Jamon had an away game so it was just Corbs and me. I thought it would be nice to venture out and be a part of the town... and it was until I got to downtown where all the "happenin'" was. (Here's where I get "open")... I was surround by people, and lots that I knew and I was SO lonely. All I wanted was to be back in Austin or Dallas where I have close friends and family. It was an awful feeling to look around and see everyone having a great time and realize that I did not have one close friend there. Plenty of acquaintances, but no one to chat with. Back in Austin I could've gone to something like that and 1. had a friend to invite to go with me or 2. known enough people there well enough to have someone to talk to. I've lived here for TWO years... TWO!!!!! After six months you're supposed to be settled and feel at home. And I guess I do, until I'm thrust into a situation like today and I want nothing more than friendship. I feel like a loser to be honest. Corban and I went home after about 10 minutes and sat outside to play in the driveway. I then called Jamon in tears and he of course was great and listed as I cried and whined "But I'm nice and kind of fun... how come I have no friends." Such is my state in life I suppose. I'm still trying to come to terms with exactly what I'm feeling and what's going on. I suppose I'm much to blame for my lack of close friends. I haven't made the time or put in the effort to really develop any friendships. I don't call anyone, I don't invite anyone over or out. I basically just get by in my day to day. If I run into someone I'm THRILLED to chat it up and I leave loving life... but that happens on a rare occasion. There are LOTS of wonderful young women here... And I really like some of them... but I just don't invest time. I work all morning/afternoon, then I have corbs for only a bit, then Jamon gets home. Where is my social time? Not the weekends, those same wonderful ladies want to spend time with their working husbands too. So is that it? Do I resign myself to chatting with Corban and sitting by myself? Or just do nothing unless Jamon, my bestest friend, is home and can come with me? Ugh, what a debbie downers I am. But really, this was hard on my heart today. Anyway, I usually feel better after writing stuff out. This is no exception. I still need to have some more "heart to hearts" with our Lord and figure out my next step. I don't want to be lonely.

Jamon was sweet and after we talked he texted me later and said that I was his best friend. :) Jamon is definitely my best friend too. But man he's busy. :)

Thanks for reading. Keep me in your prayers.

Time for me to now figure out what to eat for dinner. I was craving delivery Chinese, but of course, no one delivers to Ave. (I called atleast 4 places!!! I want to be in a real town!) So looks like I'm going to try to make something on my own. General Tsos may never be the same.

A lil throw back to the first month my besty and I started dating. Good times at Key Bar.


Lori said...

People do get so wrapped up in their lives. We lived here two years before someone invited us into their home. Everyone just seems to think you are busy and doing stuff with everyon else. We had kids, had church, had soccer games, school activities. Everyone just assumes you are busy and fine. It just takes that one person to reach out a little extra. It does happen. But, I feel and felt what you are going through.

Christine said...

I love you Jess. Let's get together soon...even if it's just me coming over for decaf or tea or you can come here. I know some of what you are feeling and I will be praying! Thanks for your honesty. Keep in mind we can talk free anytime on our iPhones too! Love you.

Jen said...

Oy, kudos to being a good wife and following life where good opportunity lies, even if it's in Ave, but Austin sure does miss you! I hope good opportunity brings you back this way someday not too far away. Sending up a prayer for you to be blessed with someone whose heart you can soon connect. Our hubbies may be our best friends, but there's nothing like our dear girlfriends and what that love can do for us. Hugs and love, dear.

P.S. Key Bar will always remind me of you!

Anonymous said...

I honestly could not imagine! I have often wondered how you do it, and if you have found friends, and how you cope with out being with out your closest friends!...but it is also so great how you know this where you and Jamon are supposed to be so you embrace it!
I hope you gain some great girlfriends while you are there!! ENJOY that south FL weather!!!

Anonymous said...

Auhhh!!! That breaks my heart. You are so wonderful and an absolute delight to be with. I hope this was a passing moment for you!