Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Deep, real deep.

True story... I now having mom hips, birthing hips, call 'em what you want. These old hipsters have not gone back down to my normal size. Oh well. Whatever it takes to have these two awesome boys.

Now on to less self-centered matters.

Our God is a merciful God. He is good to me.

A couple of weeks ago I had a moment. One really long moment when I was near the depths of despair. I had just received an email from telling me that my 6 week old should be smiling at me and recognize me. This of course had not happened and the disclaimer at the bottom of the email telling me that all babies develop at their own pace did not ease my tension. I threw myself into a tailspin believing with everything in me that I was a horrible mother. That all of my attention was on Corban (since he DEFINITELY requires more interaction and attention) and thus Blaise was totally getting the raw end of the deal. How could he possible know who I was?! I did not spend hours looking at him and coo'ing at him like I did when Corvban was a baby. Blaise was just another person in CX's world. horrible horrible horrible. I couldn't hardly look anyone in the eye out of sheer guilt at my lack of mothering equality. Jamon took me on a date and there I felt assured enough of his unconditional love to share with him how horrible of a mother his wife was. When I was finished crying about the situation he looked at me incredulously and made it very clear that I was under attack. Spiritual warfare (c'mon, we know it's out there).  I was clinging to the lies of "the world.": "You can't have more than one ,maybe two children,if you have more how will you ever take care of them, they will not get the love they need from you, they won't be well-taken care of... they will LACK." and on and on. I totally bought in to it. Until Jamon loving assured me that Blaise was the best gift we could have ever given Corban and Corban was the best thing to happen to Blaise, as will be every child we are blessed with hereafter. They will lack nothing. They will be LOVED. True, TRue, TRUE! I was immediately relieved of the guilt I had been feeling. We said a prayer together to continue to be the parents God wants us to be and to do everything we can to make sure our family gets to heaven. AMEN. On we go with our date. Fast forward to 4am. Blaise's regularly scheduled feeding time, usually we are both groggy and just getting through a feeding. Not that night. God in His intense love gave me the moment I longed for. As I was putting him down to sleep again I laid him on my pillow instead of his bed. When I returned from getting a drink of water I laid down to look at him to talk to him and smile at him. And the moment I was near him he SMILED. BIG SMILE. the kind that makes my insides mushy as I was overcome with such joy and love. My littlest man and I shared stories and smiles from 4-5:30 am. Just the two of us. and it was AWESOME. He did know me. He knows his mom and he knows I love him. The "attack" was just that. God showed me through the smile of my sweet little baby. Blaise, even though he does not get the same attention that CX did when he was born, knows his mom and knows love. What more could I ask for?

Anyway. Just thought I'd share. Tomorrow (ha, we'll see) I've got another awesome recipe. We're talking total delish. Like I wish I could eat the whole thing, but know it must be bad for me because it tastes so good, and then realizing that I could eat the whole thing because it's SO good for me. Winner!!!

Our date night.

That smile. Oh my goodness. I love.

Sweet, sweet Corban, I want to freeze moments like this. carefree, loving life moments.


Roxy said...

I totally did the ugly-faced cry (the exact opposite of the type of cry when you ever so softly shed a couple tears) while reading this. Dang preggo hormones. Wonderful post. You're so blessed. :)

Roxy @ TSKGS

Jen said...

Brings nothing less than a huge smile to my face. :)

Roxy said...

It's been far too long since you've posted!