On a daily basis I pray and ask Christ for humility. I know my tendency is to be a prideful person and I want to change. So I ask... and as I write this I'm acknowledging that Christ has given me one of the biggest opportunities to be humble.
I'm coming home.
23 days into the "co-worker" program and I'll be back in Dallas. This comes as a shock not only to you, but most definitely to me. I'm sure there are lots of questions... I have them too. I was simply told yesterday that I am not called to be here. Certainly I believe that to be a missionary is a call from God. I believe he called me here so I, out of love for God, came. And now he is calling me back home and out of love, I'll go. There is certainly a back story to this; one that is best told in person. All I can say is that my coming home is humbling and I'm sure at some point I'll see it as a blessing... a gift from God.
Rest assured, I'm not coming back to do the same thing. I know without a doubt that Christ has called me to mission work. Just clearly not here.. I'm tossing around a couple of different options and hope to leave again with in a month. There is an orphanage in Ecuador that needs volunteers, also, the missionaries of charity (think Mother Theresa) have interns in the Bronx. Also a good option for me. Please keep me in your prayers as I continue to discern what Gods Will in my life is.
Yesterday, when I was told it was time for me to come home I dealt with all sorts of emotion. Feelings of failure, confusions, sadness, humility, anger, and some joy too. I begged to stay... mainly cause I don't know what else to do. I'm currently working on trust and surrender. I've got to believe that the God who loves me more than anything has a plan for me and is calling me away from here because He has something that will bring me greater joy.
I asked myself: if I wasn't called to be here... what was I doing? How did I get it so wrong? My answer... I got it right. I've learned so much in this month. I've learned about myself, about love for Jesus and for others. I realized the importance of prayer and silence and the importance of truly knowing yourself. As I come home, even though it's been a short while, I hope to come back a changed person and take all of this experience on to the the next place that I go.
I thank you all for your support and prayers. Trust, I'll keep updating the good ole blog... I would hate for you to wait with baited breath and not know where or what my next step is. I'm excited about the opportunities and experiences that await me... even though I have NO idea what they are. God knows and I'm seeking, so that's enough. I've got to believe that.
12 comments:
"For I know well the plans I have for you, says The Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope."
Jeremiah 29:11
Jess ~ you KNOW we are so proud of YOU! We look forward WITH YOU in JOYFUL ANTICIPATION to what Christ has planned for you! See you soon!
Love you forever ~ Mom
Jess,
You are still an inspiration to me and so many others. I can't wait to see you! I have some ideas for you... my dad has so many connections with mission opportunities in Mexico, in fact, Life Teen just got back from their trip on Saturday... lots to discuss, learn and pray about!
You're going to set this world on fire... I know it!
Lots of love, Stef
Jess,
OH MY GOSH! Ever since we said good bye, I have been praying for you! And now...I can't believe I'll be able to give you a BIG hug in just a few days! :) I find this all very exciting, and can't wait to see what God has in store for you! Stefani is right, St. Ann Parish in Coppell Texas (look up their videos in YOUTUBE - they're awesome!) just got back this last Sat. from their Mexico Mission trip, and there is MUCH work there for us Catholics! Because not only the Baptists have been there, but so have the Mormans, Jehovah Witness, and now 7 day Adventists, and have all but converted this once all Catholic country! Mexico is in dire need of Catholic missionaries! Let's see what John can do...he knows a lot of nuns and priests down there who could use you! Added plus; you will learn Spanish in no time flat! :)
Okay Jess, I'm so looking forward to seeing your beautiful smile real soon!
Love and God bless,
RoseMary Perez
PS: "When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
Alexander Graham Bell (1847 - 1922)
Dear Jessica,
We are so proud of you! You said yes to God and that is always the right thing to do. Your love and generousity for Christ and souls in evident in all those who know you. You are a light in the dark and the world needs your light.
Love and prayers,
The Gray's
Jess - Our dearest future daughter by Holy Matrimony, Our first born son...Jamon's future bride, what will be Sister Jessica to Brenton (in Iraq),
God's will be done! Praise the Lord...God is in control!
Some of our greatest disappointments in life have become our grandest gifts! Thank you sweet Jesus! Everything will work out better than you could ever imagine!
You know we are here for you...we love you, adore you, we all miss you....and can't wait to see your beautiful smile and give you lots of hugs for your next chapter in life!
God Bless You Sweet Daughter,
Your future 2nd Parents by Marriage,
Mom & Dad Copeland
Jess,
Even though it was a short period that I got to be with you, I loved you from that minute on!!! You were a light to my every day! Even though I am sad to entertain the thought of never seeing you again, I reassure myself that yes indeed we will! For Christ is our bond! He had wonderful plans for you and I am excited to here all about them! I will however miss that smile and enthusiasm tremendously!
God Bless you in all you do! Please stay in touch!!
I WILL MISS YOU!!!
In Christ,
Amy (your housekeeping expert!!)
Dearest Jessica,
What a light you are!! We Moseleys have loved reading of your journey and anxiously await to see where Our Lord desires you to be...Your missionary work is so needed and we trust in God's perfect plan--that He will fill in the blanks and place you exactly where you need to be...Your generosity and kindness are beautiful examples for us and we thank you! Keep fighting the good fight and count on our prayers 4/ever!!
Love in Christ,
The Moseleys
St Paul, pray for us!!
Hey Jess!
LOVED THE VIDEO!! WOW! so great! and HILARIOUS!
Be assured...you DID get it RIGHT! Never doubt...ANY yes to Christ is RIGHT and giving Him the first chance with your year, your mission in life...is ALWAYS RIGHT! Our son always said, when we faced a setback...we just never know what God is protecting us from! So even when you are seeking to make wonderful choices and there seems to be a roadblock...believe that it is His hand continuing to guide and protect you. He never abandons us! Live in JOY! even in the seeking His will...even when it seems that it is hidden from you. Remember that sometimes the mission field is right in your own backyard!
Welcome Home!
God Bless you and keep you. May He make His face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you...shine on your face and give you PEACE!
God Bless, In Christ, the Czarka Family
Jess, I can't believe it. Everything happens for a reason girl & I can't begin to tell you how Excited and Proud I am of you! We think about you everyday & man what an Learning Experience this has been!! Love you & can't wait to HUG you!!!!!!
I just read your blog for the first time... I would not have predicted reading this entry, but then again I have not been able to predict ANY of the greatest things that have happened in my own life before.
Don't worry about a thing Jes. God has big things in store for you. His plans are bigger than the ones that you made for yourself and are slowly revealing themselves to you one day at a time. Look at this change with anticipation because the next chapter is going to be that much closer to where you are ultimately suppossed to be.
Jessica,
Know that I read this blog entry with deep sadness. This has happened to me, and it hurt very badly. I was confused; I was angry. I was sad. I knew that God was guiding me somewhere else, but instead of a gentle nudge or Him holding my hand, it felt like a slap in the face or a punch in the stomach. I couldn't breath for two days. I was lost and scared. I doubted my intentions and my ability to hear God's voice or follow His lead, but I also knew that I did the right thing. I knew that the Lord led me to the very tip of missions abroad and then stopped me from going.
Immediately after God stopped me, I began to plan other ways of going. That is what I do when I don't know what I should do: I figure out a plan as quickly as possible so that I can feel better. I feel more in control with a plan. I do not advice that method of coping. Eventually my attempts failed and my anger and confusion lasted longer. God wanted me to stay in Austin. Looking back, what I should have done was sit and listen. I should have cried more. I should have lived in the humility instead of try and pull myself up by the boot straps and go about Plan A.
I held onto "Plan A" for way too long, and it caused a deep rift between myself and God, one that is slowly being healed. I do not recommend that, either.
Whether my story sounds similar to yours or not; whether God is doing the same thing to you that He did to me or not, please stop and listen. Stop and feel. Stop and hurt. And be healed in the love of Christ. I do not recommend trying to leave again without knowing why you have come back.
Again, I am sad for you, and I will pray with you. Peace and wisdom to you, Jessica.
- Matt
Another thought, you surrendered to God's will even after you got engaged. God blessed your generousity and out did it by sending you home to plan for your vocation, Marriage. There is nothing to be ashamed of we should rejoice because God knows you so well and wants what is best for you, Jamin and the sacrament of Marriage. Mission, you want a mission, well the mission of loving someone and being comitted to them for a life time and raising a holy family is a misssion of a life-time and a very important mission. We need holy families they DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
So be happy, plan your wedding and start your mission and vocation.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Mrs. Gray
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