UUGGGHHH... I wrote a whole post and then when I went to "Publish post" it was all erased. Here I go again. Briefly.
I leave for Michigan in T-minus 6 hours. I'm finally getting excited to be embarking on this adventure. I have to push aside sadness and nervousness, but when I do I find giddy-ness. :)
I'll be in Michigan for the next 6 weeks for missionary training. I'm not entirely sure what the schedule entails and if we even have Internet time... please lord, let them have something better than dial-up... so it may be a while before I can blog again. As soon as I find out where I'm going I'll figure out a way to post it on here, so stay tuned. Right now I'm thinking Atlanta or New York would be nice. If they want to send me outside of the US I wouldn't complain about Ireland or Spain. I'm seriously praying I stay in the US though. However, I have complete confidence that I'll be put where God wants me and that is where, without a doubt, I'll be happiest.
Please keep me in your prayers as I start this journey. I need them. Also, be assured of mine. I'll pray every night "God bless anyone who actually reads my blog ;)"
Off to packing I go. Only a handful of stuff left.
all my love,
Jessica
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
emotional beginning
My journey has emotionally started.
I left Austin two days ago. Down to the wire I was running around saying good-byes; bidding farewell to my home-town. I sold my car, adios Tan-Fran (that's her name.) I didn't even look back and am so thankful that I will never drive that car again. I like to think that not having tan fran again is a gift from God for giving this year. Then I cleaned out my apartment; my home sweet home of two years. All of the above was extremely surreal. At moments I felt awkward or weird that I wasn't crying with all of these good-byes. Am I really that non-emotive? I think I was living in a place of denial. It is much too hard to think that I won't see my dear friends for a while, that I'll never live in my apartment again and that really, the tides are shifting and my life isn't going to be the same. Denial seems comfortable. Reality is rough.
Fear not... I am emotive and I do have feelings. Jamon drove off last night. He is truly my provider and protector. I am so blessed and so in love. On of the most difficult things I've ever done is actually let go off him to let him drive back to San Marcos. My heart is full... but man it hurts. I can't tell you a time in my life when I've cried so intensely and still felt like I couldn't get everything out.
We took a walk last night to say a rosary together, to really storm heaven with prayers that God gives us the strength and the grace we need to make it through this year apart. I think I may need to say 150 more Rosaries today. My heart has never been so sad and my life left with such a throbbing hurt. I've spent the vast majority of the past 5 months with Jamon and for him to not be around is a gut-wrenching reality. Truly... this chapter of my life is happening. I am giving it up like I told Christ, out of love for Him, I would do. Trust, there is a peace... and I know I'll be strong and make it through this. But I do ask you for something. I ask you for prayers. Please pray for me that I continue to seek Christ and that He bring joy, peace and comfort to both Jamon and myself during this grace filled, challenging time in our relationship. To God be all the glory.
I left Austin two days ago. Down to the wire I was running around saying good-byes; bidding farewell to my home-town. I sold my car, adios Tan-Fran (that's her name.) I didn't even look back and am so thankful that I will never drive that car again. I like to think that not having tan fran again is a gift from God for giving this year. Then I cleaned out my apartment; my home sweet home of two years. All of the above was extremely surreal. At moments I felt awkward or weird that I wasn't crying with all of these good-byes. Am I really that non-emotive? I think I was living in a place of denial. It is much too hard to think that I won't see my dear friends for a while, that I'll never live in my apartment again and that really, the tides are shifting and my life isn't going to be the same. Denial seems comfortable. Reality is rough.
Fear not... I am emotive and I do have feelings. Jamon drove off last night. He is truly my provider and protector. I am so blessed and so in love. On of the most difficult things I've ever done is actually let go off him to let him drive back to San Marcos. My heart is full... but man it hurts. I can't tell you a time in my life when I've cried so intensely and still felt like I couldn't get everything out.
We took a walk last night to say a rosary together, to really storm heaven with prayers that God gives us the strength and the grace we need to make it through this year apart. I think I may need to say 150 more Rosaries today. My heart has never been so sad and my life left with such a throbbing hurt. I've spent the vast majority of the past 5 months with Jamon and for him to not be around is a gut-wrenching reality. Truly... this chapter of my life is happening. I am giving it up like I told Christ, out of love for Him, I would do. Trust, there is a peace... and I know I'll be strong and make it through this. But I do ask you for something. I ask you for prayers. Please pray for me that I continue to seek Christ and that He bring joy, peace and comfort to both Jamon and myself during this grace filled, challenging time in our relationship. To God be all the glory.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
1 Peter 1:6-8
Last night in adoration this verse really spoke to me. I read it and said... Ohhh. I should put that on the blog. :) Nice.
Please read it. It fits perfectly with my post from the other day about leaving everything behind out of love for Christ.
"In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Although you have not seen him you love him; even though you do not see him now yet believe in him, you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy." -1 Peter 1:6-8
Please read it. It fits perfectly with my post from the other day about leaving everything behind out of love for Christ.
"In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Although you have not seen him you love him; even though you do not see him now yet believe in him, you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy." -1 Peter 1:6-8
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Torchy's
I had Torchy's tacos for lunch today (which by the way will be one of the things I miss most about Austin) and was delighted to enjoy a nookie. Yes, a nookie; a little ball of chocolate chip cookie dough, rolled in cornflakes and deep fried. WHEW! Delish! Step aside deep-fried twinkies, oreos, and corndogs. Nookie takes the cake on artery clogging goodness!
On another note. What are you supposed to do with pens and post-it notes? I've got a stack sitting on my desk and am extremely torn about what to do with them. Throw them away? Pack them for next year when I get back? It should be so simple.
I'm going to put my psychology studies to good use here and suggest that maybe I'm having issues letting go of things. Maybe the post-its symbolize my fear of leaving behind people. I'm by no means suggesting that I'm contemplating pitching some people to the curb. I think I'm just concerned with how some relationships will fare in my physical absence. One of the most beloved things to me in this city are the people living in it. My dear Meredith gave me a sign that reads "The best things in life aren't things." It is a very simple truth. The relationships that I've been a part of in the past 4 years in Austin are a bountiful blessing in my life and certainly are some of the "best things." I have friends from all walks of life in all stages of all ages. Each person brings something unique to my life and I wouldn't be the same without them.
So... Cheers to you my dear friends. Because of the grace of God and you, I have the desire to do something to affect change in our world. I believe you all deserve the best. In response to that, you deserve the best out of me that I can give. :) I leave with a desire to become the best version of myself by giving myself. To learn to love unconditionally and to serve the way I was taught... as Jesus served.
On another note. What are you supposed to do with pens and post-it notes? I've got a stack sitting on my desk and am extremely torn about what to do with them. Throw them away? Pack them for next year when I get back? It should be so simple.
I'm going to put my psychology studies to good use here and suggest that maybe I'm having issues letting go of things. Maybe the post-its symbolize my fear of leaving behind people. I'm by no means suggesting that I'm contemplating pitching some people to the curb. I think I'm just concerned with how some relationships will fare in my physical absence. One of the most beloved things to me in this city are the people living in it. My dear Meredith gave me a sign that reads "The best things in life aren't things." It is a very simple truth. The relationships that I've been a part of in the past 4 years in Austin are a bountiful blessing in my life and certainly are some of the "best things." I have friends from all walks of life in all stages of all ages. Each person brings something unique to my life and I wouldn't be the same without them.
So... Cheers to you my dear friends. Because of the grace of God and you, I have the desire to do something to affect change in our world. I believe you all deserve the best. In response to that, you deserve the best out of me that I can give. :) I leave with a desire to become the best version of myself by giving myself. To learn to love unconditionally and to serve the way I was taught... as Jesus served.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Limbo
So if the past two days are indicative of how I'm going to keep this blog updated then I'll be a champion. :)
Today is Sunday. I leave Wednesday. Right now I'm at the point of a move where I wish I was already gone or not going anywhere. Moving limbo is such a weird time. I've said most of my good-byes except for a couple that I'll wait to say until the very last minute... we're talking, I'm pulling out of my parking space waving adios.
All of that aside. As I'm getting ready to go to my last going away party I found myself asking "Why am I doing this?" The only answer I could come up with was the one I gave my niece Faith when she asked me a couple of days ago why I'm leaving. I told her "Because I love Jesus the most." She smiled and gave me a thumbs up! I love young innocence. Now this is an answer that some will get, some will scoff at and some just won't understand at all. That's okay. I'm not leaving to do this missionary work for anyone else. I do love Jesus. He loved me first. I'll do whatever it is He asks. I want to help others to know that love. I hope that I've spent my life and all the encounters I've had with people showing the love I have for Christ to them, by loving them.
I guess that's it. I hope that when I start to forget why and what I'm doing, I can read "Because I love Jesus and He loved me first..." and remember.
Today is Sunday. I leave Wednesday. Right now I'm at the point of a move where I wish I was already gone or not going anywhere. Moving limbo is such a weird time. I've said most of my good-byes except for a couple that I'll wait to say until the very last minute... we're talking, I'm pulling out of my parking space waving adios.
All of that aside. As I'm getting ready to go to my last going away party I found myself asking "Why am I doing this?" The only answer I could come up with was the one I gave my niece Faith when she asked me a couple of days ago why I'm leaving. I told her "Because I love Jesus the most." She smiled and gave me a thumbs up! I love young innocence. Now this is an answer that some will get, some will scoff at and some just won't understand at all. That's okay. I'm not leaving to do this missionary work for anyone else. I do love Jesus. He loved me first. I'll do whatever it is He asks. I want to help others to know that love. I hope that I've spent my life and all the encounters I've had with people showing the love I have for Christ to them, by loving them.
I guess that's it. I hope that when I start to forget why and what I'm doing, I can read "Because I love Jesus and He loved me first..." and remember.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Blog Post #1...
Here I go.
I thought this picture was appropriate. It shows how I'm approaching my year as a co-worker / missionary. I'm open... I'm excited. The world is my oyster. :)
I'm also nervous.
I leave Austin in 3.5 days. Have I done everything I want to do? Have I said good-bye to everyone I wanted to? Have I had my share of Firemans 4 beer? Ha! You know... if I haven't done all these things it'll be fine. I'm only gone for a year. 365 days. That's nothin! I am ready and thankful for the opportunity to serve Christ in this way. I pray that He uses me to touch people's lives and to bring a smile to those I encounter. I also pray that He breaks me where I need to be broken; that I come back to Austin a kinder, less judgemental, less prideful, more open person.
Let it begin.
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