Friday, June 27, 2008

emotional beginning

My journey has emotionally started.

I left Austin two days ago. Down to the wire I was running around saying good-byes; bidding farewell to my home-town. I sold my car, adios Tan-Fran (that's her name.) I didn't even look back and am so thankful that I will never drive that car again. I like to think that not having tan fran again is a gift from God for giving this year. Then I cleaned out my apartment; my home sweet home of two years. All of the above was extremely surreal. At moments I felt awkward or weird that I wasn't crying with all of these good-byes. Am I really that non-emotive? I think I was living in a place of denial. It is much too hard to think that I won't see my dear friends for a while, that I'll never live in my apartment again and that really, the tides are shifting and my life isn't going to be the same. Denial seems comfortable. Reality is rough.

Fear not... I am emotive and I do have feelings. Jamon drove off last night. He is truly my provider and protector. I am so blessed and so in love. On of the most difficult things I've ever done is actually let go off him to let him drive back to San Marcos. My heart is full... but man it hurts. I can't tell you a time in my life when I've cried so intensely and still felt like I couldn't get everything out.

We took a walk last night to say a rosary together, to really storm heaven with prayers that God gives us the strength and the grace we need to make it through this year apart. I think I may need to say 150 more Rosaries today. My heart has never been so sad and my life left with such a throbbing hurt. I've spent the vast majority of the past 5 months with Jamon and for him to not be around is a gut-wrenching reality. Truly... this chapter of my life is happening. I am giving it up like I told Christ, out of love for Him, I would do. Trust, there is a peace... and I know I'll be strong and make it through this. But I do ask you for something. I ask you for prayers. Please pray for me that I continue to seek Christ and that He bring joy, peace and comfort to both Jamon and myself during this grace filled, challenging time in our relationship. To God be all the glory.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love you so much! -Jamon

Meredith misses You! said...

J-Squared:

Simply, I adore you both, will pray for your coninued strength and love every day, am honored to be a part of your lives and just to KNOW such amazing people. Your love for each other and your love for God will undoubtedly procure the most blessed experiences anyone could wish/dream/pray for. Here's to you both; may your divine presence on this big gas ball we call Earth bring happiness and joy to your hearts and to those around you. All my respect, love, and light-emitting heart is yours.... Meredith